The Moment Keeper Read online

  “And remember when you wanted to play the violin?”

  “Correction,” I said. “You wanted me to play the violin.”

  Grandma smiled. “Well, you weren’t very good at it.”

  “Gram, I stank.”

  We both laughed.

  “I remember how special you made all of my birthdays, especially my sweet sixteen,” I said. “Remember how we went to that fancy hotel downtown and ate in that expensive restaurant that didn’t include the prices on the menu?”

  Grandma smiled. “Saved a dollar a week for a few years to make that birthday extra special.”

  “And it was,” I said. “We felt like royalty eating in that expensive restaurant with those fancy chandeliers.”

  Grandma smiles. “I want buried in that floral dress, Sarah. The one I wore that day. Always kept it for special occasions. And meetin’ my maker will be the most special day of all.”

  “Gram,” I said. “Can we talk about happy things?”

  I sat with Grandma for a while that day, reminiscing about some of our best times together. When I checked on her later, she was dead.

  “But you promised. You promised you’d be there for me,” says Olivia, tears exploding from her swollen eyes.

  Cole runs his fingers through his dark, curly hair. “I know what I said. But. It’s just that I’m supposed to go to college and…”

  “So college is more important than me?”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “You didn’t have to.”

  “Look, Lib. I love you. You know that. I’m just not ready for this.”

  “And I am?”

  “I didn’t mean it like that. We’re both not ready.”

  “Well, it’s a little too late for that realization. You should have thought about that two months ago when you convinced me to have sex with you.”

  Cole punches the bed and stands up. “Damn it, Lib. That’s a cheap shot. You’re not going to pin this all on me. You wanted to do it, too. It’s not like I forced you.”

  “Just leave. Leave.”

  “I don’t want to leave you like this. I want to talk about our options.”

  “Options? There are no options. I’m pregnant. With your child. You don’t want it. You’ve made that clear. Look, this is my problem. Not yours. So just go. Now.”

  Cole grabs his varsity jacket and takes two steps toward Olivia before she backs away. “Look, Lib. I can’t talk to you when you get like this. Can we talk later? When you calm down.”

  “There’s nothing to talk about. We did it once. Once. And I got pregnant and you want out. Well, I’m giving you your out. There’s the door.”

  “Lib, if I could go back in time and change that one moment I would.” Cole walks out the bedroom door and Olivia throws one of Daisy’s squeaky toys at him. The rubber bone hits Cole in the back but he doesn’t turn around.

  Olivia flops on her bed and pulls her boney knees up to her heaving chest. She and Cole have never fought that badly before and she feels guilty because she knows he’s right: it was a cheap shot. It wasn’t his fault any more than it was her fault.

  She spots her purple fuzzy bathrobe draped over the footboard of her cherry bed. She pulls the belt out and sits up, wrapping it around her right hand. She’s thinking about killing herself, about using her bathrobe belt, wondering if it’s strong enough or if she should use one of the leather belts in her closet. She’s never thought such horrible thoughts before, but she doesn’t know if she can face this alone or hurt her parents so badly.

  She slams the bed with her fist. She doesn’t understand why Cole changed his mind. Last night, he promised he would be there for her. Today, he’s having second thoughts.

  Olivia wonders how long her parents will be gone. They called after their luncheon with the Groves and asked if Olivia minded if they went with the Groves to some art festival. Said they wouldn’t be home until late. So after Olivia got home from Lexie’s and Cole called and said he had to talk to her right away, she told him to come over.

  Cole told Olivia that his parents asked what colleges he wanted to visit before he made his final college decision so they could plan their work schedules around the visitations. He said he kept thinking about how to tell them that he wasn’t going to college. That their dream of him being the first one in their family to get a college education just went up in smoke because he got careless and did something stupid. And how he just couldn’t disappoint them like that. Couldn’t they figure something out, something that would allow him to go to college and Olivia to do the same in a year?

  Olivia’s cell phone rings. It’s Lexie. Olivia doesn’t answer it. She doesn’t feel like talking to anyone – not even Lexie. She goes to the kitchen to get a drink and as she pulls the tab on her Diet Pepsi she notices the knife block in the corner of the counter. She walks over to it and pulls a knife out. She examines it and thinks how easy it would be to run it over her wrist. But just as quickly as the thought jumps into her mind it goes away. She pushes the knife back in the slot and sits on the couch. Daisy jumps up beside her and rests her head on Olivia’s thigh. Her tail slaps the back of the sofa and Olivia runs her hand down Daisy’s back.

  “I really screwed up this time, girl,” Olivia says. “Mom and Dad are going to hate me.”

  Daisy looks up at Olivia and whimpers.

  “I just don’t know what to do, Daise. The last thing I want is to hurt Mom and Dad. They always told me that I was the perfect daughter. That we were the perfect family. And what do I do? I screw that up big time. Turns out I’m far from perfect.

  “I don’t care what people say about me, but I do care what they say about Mom and Dad. Those people at the club, like the Groves, they’ll probably gossip and say Mom and Dad have a slut for a daughter. That isn’t it a shame that the baby Tom and Liz adopted turned out to be a bad seed. That you never know what you’re going to get with one of those adopted babies. After all, they’re not blood related. Yep, that’s what they’ll probably say, Daise.”

  Olivia stretches out on the sofa. Daisy lies in the crack between Olivia’s arm and torso, her head on Olivia’s shoulder. Olivia closes her eyes. She’s tired, so tired, and she just wants to forget. Sleep sounds good.

  Chapter 36

  “Lib, can we talk?” Elizabeth asks her after school. “You’ve been moping around the house for a week now. Won’t take any of Cole’s calls. Don’t want to see him when he stops by. What’s going on with you two? I’ve never seen you so down.”

  “Nothing’s wrong,” Olivia says. “Except maybe that I don’t want to do dance anymore.”

  Elizabeth drops the jar of mayonnaise she’s holding and it hits the tile floor. The glass shatters and goo splatters everywhere.

  “Shit!” She turns around and pulls paper towels from the rack behind her while Olivia grabs the dishcloth from the sink.

  Olivia kneels down beside her mom and helps clean up the mess. “Sorry, Mom.”

  Elizabeth looks at her. “Lib, let’s clean this up and talk. No buts. No maybe laters. Now. Not wanting to dance when I know that it’s all you ever wanted to do tells me there’s far more going on in your life that I need to know about.”

  Olivia rakes her front teeth over her bottom lip and sucks in a breath before parting her lips and releasing it in a heavy sigh. She tries to keep the tears dammed up in her eyes but she’s not strong enough. Tears break through and drown her face.

  Elizabeth pulls Olivia up by the arm and leads her to the couch. Olivia buries her face into her mom’s chest and she sobs like a runaway freight train, full of power and too heavy to stop. Her tears soak the front of her mom’s linen blouse.

  Elizabeth brushes back Olivia’s golden hair and whispers, “It’s all right. Everything’s gonna be all right. Whatever’s wrong we can fix. It’ll all work out.”

  “No, it won’t. I’ve ruined everything. Nothing will ever be all right again.”

  “Libby,” Elizabeth says. “Nothing can be that
bad.”

  “This is. You’ll hate me. Dad will hate me. You’ll never want to see me again. I should just kill myself.”

  Elizabeth grabs Olivia’s shoulders and straightens her so they are face to face. Olivia’s bent head bounces she’s crying so hard.

  “Look at me,” Elizabeth says.

  Olivia doesn’t lift her head.

  Elizabeth puts her hand under Olivia’s chin and lifts her head. “Don’t you ever, ever say that. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to your dad and me. The best thing. And there is nothing, nothing in this world that is so bad that we would never want to see you again.”

  “I’m pregnant,” Olivia heaves. “It was only one time and things got out of hand and Cole says he’s not ready to be a dad and I’m not ready to be a mom but I’m gonna be anyhow and I want to dance but now I can’t dance and see how I’ve just ruined my life and your life and Dad’s and…”

  Elizabeth takes a deep breath and releases a heavy sigh. “I knew it. I just didn’t want to believe it. But all of the signs were there. You throwing up in the morning, being more tired than usual. Oh, Lib. I just don’t know what to say.”

  “Say that you love me, that you don’t hate me.”

  “Libby, of course I love you. I could never hate you. Yes, I’m upset. Extremely upset. I thought we had talked about this, had an understanding that when you were ready for this kind of relationship you’d tell me.”

  “We did,” Olivia says. “It just happened so fast and… Oh, Mom, it hurt and there was blood and I feel terrible about it.”

  Elizabeth hugs Olivia extra tightly. “Everything will be all right, Lib. We’ll work things out. When your dad gets home, we’ll talk. Yes, I would have preferred this didn’t happen until after you finished college and were married, but that’s not the way it is. Life doesn’t always work out the way we want it to or think it should. But we move on. And moving on might mean changing your dreams, or putting them on hold for a while. But, and this is a very big but, you have your dad and me to help you and support you. We love you and there’s nothing we want more than for you to be happy. And sometimes when life hands us unexpected detours, they end up taking us down some pretty awesome roads.”

  Olivia can’t believe her ears. She isn’t sure what she expected exactly but she knows it wasn’t the love and understanding and support her mom is giving her.

  “Will you hold me, Mom?” she asks.

  Elizabeth slips her arm around Olivia and Olivia buries her face into her mom’s chest once again and they stay like that – for a long time.

  Watching Elizabeth hold Olivia reminds me that no matter how old we are or how independent we think we’ve become, when we’re sick or in trouble or things aren’t going as we had planned it’s usually our mom that we want most. In my case, it was my grandma.

  I wonder if Grandma would have reacted the way Elizabeth did if I had told her I was pregnant. I wonder if I would have chosen a different path if I had told Grandma and she had reacted like Elizabeth. And if Grandma wasn’t sick, would things have been different? I have so many questions now that I didn’t have then. Then, I felt like Olivia. I thought my life was over. I had lost Grandma. I had lost Bryan. I had no friends, no family – no one. I was all alone in a world that had never been kind to me, except for the parts that Grandma made so.

  That was when I remembered Matt’s hunting gun. The one Gram kept in her closet. The one she had planned to get rid, just never got around to it.

  I had never fired a gun. Wasn’t even sure how to put it together. But I figured it out. I thought about my death. I wanted to die but I wanted my baby to live. I thought that if I did it just right and timed it just right, I could accomplish both. So I called 911 and reported a shooting. I waited until the paramedics arrived and just as they walked into the bathroom I pulled the trigger.

  The garage door opens and Daisy jumps off the couch, barks and runs to the back door. She knows the sound of Tom’s car pulling into the garage and waits for him by the door that leads to the garage. Her barking wakes up Elizabeth and Olivia.

  Olivia sits up; her left eye and thumb are twitching. “I’m afraid to tell Dad.”

  “I’ll be with you. And I think Dad and I have some things we ought to tell you, things we’ve been waiting until you were old enough to understand. Now seems like the right time.”

  Elizabeth’s remarks puzzle Olivia. She has no clue what her mother is talking about.

  As Tom walks into the kitchen he sees what’s left of the mess. Elizabeth and Olivia walk in.

  “You two look like you just woke up.” He nods at the broken glass and mayonnaise. “What happened?”

  “Stupid me dropped a jar of mayonnaise and, well, Libby and I had to talk so I didn’t get it all cleaned up.”

  “Talk?” Tom looks at Elizabeth, then Olivia. “Must have been important.”

  “It was,” Elizabeth says.

  “Do I get to know, or is it mother/daughter stuff?”

  Elizabeth looks at Olivia. “It’s family stuff, but let’s clean up this mess before Daisy drags mayonnaise all over the house.”

  Tom gets the sweeper to pick up the glass and Olivia gets the mop and bucket. Elizabeth wipes off the cabinets and counter. When they’re done they go into the living room.

  “Everything all right, Liz? You two are scaring me.”

  Elizabeth looks at Olivia and nods.

  Olivia wants to be the one to tell her dad but every time she tries to speak, the words get tangled on her tongue and she can’t untangle them and get them to come out.

  Tom looks at her. His dark eyes search her green for some kind of hint. “What’s wrong, Lib? You can tell me. You know you can tell me anything.”

  “And you won’t hate me?”

  “Hate you? Never. I love you. Now what’s all this about?”

  The floodgates open and Tom sits on the leather chair as he’s hit by an avalanche of words he never saw coming. As the words gather speed they roll over him, burying him in a blanket of disappointment so thick he can barely move.

  “And we only did it one time but I got pregnant just from that one time and I really wish I could go back and make another choice but I can’t and I don’t want you to hate me but you probably do and I wouldn’t blame you if you did because I screwed up your and mom’s life and—”

  “Stop!” Tom stands and walks over to where Olivia sits and squeezes in beside her. He hugs her as tightly as he can without hurting her and she collapses into his thick arms. Tears zig-zag down Tom’s cheeks and he glances at Elizabeth, who’s sitting on the other side of Olivia. She’s crying, too.

  “Look, Lib,” says Tom, kissing the top of her head. “I love you. Yes. I’m not happy. A part of me is mad as hell. If Cole were here I’d probably have him up against that wall.” He nods at the wall.

  “But it’s not just Cole’s fault,” Olivia says. “It’s mine, too.”

  Tom sighs. “Yeah. I know. But I’m still mad at him. I can’t help it. But you both were stupid, really stupid. How many times have we talked about this? How many times have we told you that if and when you were ready for this kind of thing that you’d come talk to us?”

  “I know,” Olivia sobs. “I screwed up and I’m sorry.”

  Tom looks at Elizabeth. “But I love you and your mom and I will help you get through this. It’s not going to be easy, but we’ll work things out.”

  “I think it’s probably time to tell Olivia about her birth,” Elizabeth says. “And I think we should give her the stuff her mother left her.”

  Tom runs his fingers through his graying hair. “Look, Liz. I’m just not sure if now’s the right time.”

  Elizabeth clears her throat. “Olivia told me that she thought about killing herself. She was so worried about hurting and embarrassing us that she didn’t know what else to do.”

  Tom’s eyes widen. “Is that true, Lib? That thought actually crossed your mind?”

  Olivia nods. “
I didn’t think you and Mom would want me anymore.”

  “Want you?” Tom hugs her again. “We love you, Lib. Not because you’re a great dancer or because you get good grades but because you’re you. Don’t you know that life is too precious to ever think that way? I’ve spent my entire life trying to save people. I saved you.”

  Olivia doesn’t quite understand what her dad means by saving her. If he means he saved her by adopting her, providing her with a good home and a loving family. Or if he means he physically saved her and she was just too young to remember it. Since she’s allergic to bee stings, she figures it was probably the first time she got stung, before they knew how deadly a bee sting could be to her.

  As I watch this moment unfold, I’m struck by the deep love they have for one another. And I think about Olivia’s birth mother and wonder if she knows what an incredible daughter she had. I wonder where she is now, what became of her and if she somehow knows that her daughter was blessed with this wonderful family.

  Like Olivia’s birth mother, I left some things for my baby. One of the things was a letter I had written the night before I killed myself. I was never good at expressing myself, and I worried that I wouldn’t be able to put into words what I felt. I wanted my baby to know how sorry I was for not being strong enough and how sorry I was that I would not be around to see him grow up. I always wondered about that letter and about the forgiveness I had asked for.

  “What about Cole?” Tom asks. “How’s he dealing with all this?”

  Olivia sighs. “Not well. At first, he was all supportive but then his parents started planning college visits and he started to freak out. And we had a big fight, the worst ever, and I’ve pretty much ignored him since.”

  “Do you love him?” Tom asks.

  Olivia nods. “But I know that we’re young and that we screwed up.”

  “Does Cole want to go to college?” Tom asks.

  Olivia nods again. “Yeah, but I guess now he thinks he can’t.”