Tess and Jeremy Read online

  “That’s because your doctor was female,” Cookie said. “I have a male doctor and I feel weird with him seeing my who-ha bald.”

  “So shave after your appointment,” Gina said.

  “That’s where the dilemma comes in. If the lab results come back abnormal, which they have in the past, the doctor will want to see me again. I wouldn’t be able to see him until after the cruise. And if I shave my who-ha for the cruise, when I go back to the doctor he’ll see my once hairy who-ha is now bald.”

  Gina laughed. “Zip-a-dee-who-ha!”

  Gina’s comment had everyone in tears from laughing so hard. Cookie’s obsession about shaving her who-ha totally cracked me up. The girl was priceless and I knew that conversation would be the highlight of the evening.

  “And another thing,” Cookie said. “Is it me or are the lips in our southern hemisphere getting thin?”

  Kris slapped her leg. “I thought it was only me. Thank god it’s not! But yeah. What the hell?”

  “It’s called getting older,” Sue said. “Just as the lips on your face thin with age, so do the ones down south.”

  “I already made up my mind that if the lips on my face get too thin, I’m getting collagen injections,” Kris said. “I hate thin lips.”

  “I have far bigger problems than thin lips down under,” Cookie said. “That whole nether area hasn’t been the same since having the twins. Damn! If I could only have the vagina of my youth.”

  “You can,” I said. “Vaginoplasty tightens your vagina to its pre-pregnancy condition. And if you get perineoplasty, that’ll take care of the outer looseness.”

  “Do you just know this stuff or did you get a tuck you haven’t told us about?” Sue asked.

  “No tuck. Yet. Read about it in a magazine.”

  “I’ll have to look into that,” Cookie said. “A tight vagina would be good. “

  We laughed so hard I’m sure the neighborhood could hear us.

  Chapter 4

  Jeremy

  “Sounds like the girls are having a good time,” Tom said. “Ever wonder what they talk about?”

  “All the time,” Mike said. “I’d love to have one of those invisibility cloaks and listen in.”

  “Their conversations are probably not nearly as interesting as we think,” Keith said.

  “I don’t know, bro,” Rick said. “My guess is any conversation involving my wife has the potential to be X-rated.”

  I laughed. “True. You do have a point. Cookie’s a lot of fun.”

  Rick rolled his eyes. “That she is. But sometimes she says things you’d rather not know.”

  “Like what?” Mike asked.

  “Believe me, you don’t want to know.”

  Tom got up from his chair. “You guys hungry for some burgers? I’ll see if the girls are ready.”

  Rick polished off the bowl of peanuts on the table. “I thought you’d never ask.”

  Tom turned on the gas grill and went inside.

  “So Jer,” Mike said. “I really don’t think Tess working will be that bad. It might even make things better at home because she’ll feel better about herself. And, when a woman feels good about herself, that’s usually better for us.”

  “Usually?” Rick said. “I’d say it’s almost always better for us. A happy woman is a horny woman. Happy wife; happy life.”

  Keith took a handful of chips from the bowl. “I agree. Besides, helping out around the house is no big deal. So the house might not be as clean as it is now; at the end of the day, who’s going to notice—or care?”

  “Do you guys ever fight?” I asked.

  “Hell yes,” Rick said. “But to be honest, I think that’s a good thing. At least it is for us. You guys know Cookie. She definitely has a mind of her own. I like that she speaks it and stands up for what she believes in. It might drive me crazy sometimes, but I think it adds a spark to our marriage.”

  I looked at Mike. “What about you and Gina?”

  “Fight? No. Not yet, anyway.”

  Keith waved his hand. “Hell, they’re newlyweds. Give it time. Kris and I fight, but at the end of the day, I don’t want anyone else in my bed.”

  Tom returned with a platter of burgers.

  I pointed to him. “I bet you and Sue don’t fight.”

  “Not really. But I can tell when Sue’s getting angry or upset. She’ll sigh or roll her eyes or clam up. Anger follows a bell curve and if I ignore it and it gets to the top of that curve, I know it’s going to be all downhill from there.”

  “Sort of like an orgasm,” Rick said. “That’s one hell of a bell curve.”

  I laughed. “You’re one horny son of a bitch, aren’t you?”

  Rick shrugged. “Well I haven’t had it all week. Cookie’s been PMS-ing and believe me that when she’s PMS-ing you don’t want to get near her. Between the mood swings and headaches and cramps you’d think she was being tortured.”

  “And the bloating,” Keith said. “Don’t forget the bloating. Kris has ‘good jeans’ and ‘I’m bloated’ jeans. And when I see her in the ‘I’m bloated’ jeans I figure it will be a good five days until I get any action. And even then it’s iffy.”

  I laughed. “I figure having your period must feel like you’re pissing your pants all day long and that can’t be comfortable.”

  “Who’s pissing their pants?” asked Gina as she walked out the door.

  I had to practically scream through the laughter. “I was just saying I need to go to the bathroom before I piss my pants. Too much beer.”

  I got up and headed inside.

  ***

  Tess

  “Quick, while Gina’s outside checking on the guys,” Sue said. “I got everything for the baby shower at the party store. You guys are coming early to help decorate, right?”

  “I’ll be there,” I said. “I’m still supposed to pick up the pink balloons, right? Are you sure you don’t want me to make tea sandwiches? I just tried a new recipe using ham, brie and apple and it’s delish.”

  “I can never say no to your tea sandwiches,” Sue said. “They’re incredible. But are you sure you have the time?”

  “Absolutely. I’ll bring a tray.”

  Sue looked at Kris. “And you’re bringing the cake, right? And Cookie, you got the gifts for the games.”

  Everyone nodded.

  “I think we’re good to go then.”

  Gina walked back in. “The guys want to eat outside. Guess we should join them.”

  “Do we have to?” I asked.

  Gina smiled. “Well, it would probably be the nice thing to do.”

  “As long as I don’t have to sit next to my husband,” I said. “When he gets drunk he gets obnoxious, and I could tell by the way he looked when he walked in to go to the bathroom he has a buzz on.”

  “And I’m PMS-ing,” Cookie said, “So everything Rick does this week pisses me off. And that includes breathing.”

  We laughed.

  Gina sipped her tea. “I’m lucky. I really don’t get bad PMS.”

  Cookie said what we were all thinking. “You suck! And I bet you can wear your skinny jeans the entire week.”

  “So true,” Kris said. “I have normal clothing and period clothing. And anytime I can wear sweats, I do.”

  “It’s been nice not getting my period,” Gina said. “I won’t be looking forward to getting that back when I have the baby.”

  “But at least you won’t be constipated,” I said.

  “True.”

  Cookie laughed. “Listen to us talking about periods and constipation. We’re like a bunch of old women playing bridge bitching about all their health problems.”

  “Do you think we’ll have sex when we’re in our 70s?” Kris asked.

  “Hell, I’m going to have it as long as I can,” Cookie said. “Nowadays with Viagra and other drugs available, there’s no reason for a man to be a limp dick.”

  “Somehow I can’t picture me going down on Keith when he’s 80,” Kris s
aid. “All I can picture is a wrinkled dick curled up like a cat.”

  “But, like Cookie said, Viagra can turn that cat into a lion.”

  ***

  Jeremy

  Tom flipped the burger. “Does anyone want rare?”

  “I’ll take rare,” I said.

  Tess scrunched her nose. “I want mine well done.”

  “Me too,” Gina said. “No pink.”

  “No pink for me either,” Sue said.

  It ended up the guys wanted rare or medium rare and the girls wanted well done. “Is there anything guys and girls agree on?” I asked.

  “We agree to disagree,” Sue said.

  Cookie laughed. “We agree we’re mostly right.”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Rick said. “You’re wrong a lot.”

  Cookie put her hands on her hips. “When was the last time I was wrong?”

  “Last week. At 80s’ trivia night.”

  “Oh, Christ,” Cookie said. “Who here knows there was an upscale restaurant above Cheers?”

  “I do,” I said. “Sam was always fighting with them.”

  “There was a restaurant above Cheers?” Gina asked.

  “That’s what I’m talking about,” Cookie said.

  “So what was it?” Sue asked.

  I smiled. “Melville’s Fine Sea Food.”

  “Here’s the thing about guys,” Cookie said. “You remember stupid shit. Like who in the hell cares if they know the name of the restaurant that was above the Cheers bar in a sitcom that ran 10 years longer than it should have.”

  “It only ran 11,” Rick said.

  “My point exactly. It ran 10 longer than it should have. And besides, I bet you don’t know the name of Murphy Brown’s television show?”

  “Who’s Murphy Brown?” I asked.

  “See?” Cookie said. “You remember a show with a bunch of guys sitting around a bar drinking, but a show with a hard-hitting investigative journalist filled with political satire escapes you. Even Dan Quayle mentioned the show in a campaign speech.”

  Gina shook her head. “I remember that. It became known as the Murphy Brown speech.”

  “Now that’s a name from the past,” I said. “Whatever happened to him?”

  Cookie shrugged. “Who knows.”

  “For the record,” Tom asked. “What was the name of Murphy’s Brown’s show?”

  “FYI,” Cookie said.

  “For Your Improvement,” Rick said. “That makes sense.”

  Cookie shook her head. “You’re wrong; For Your Information.”

  “OK, smarty pants, what’s the name then?” Rick asked.

  “For Your Information.”

  Rick smiled. “I knew that. I was just trying to get you going.”

  “Sure you were,” Cookie said. “Good try but no save.”

  ***

  Tess

  Judging by the near empty whiskey bottle sitting in front of Jeremy and his increasingly slurred speech, I knew I’d be the one driving home. I hadn’t seen him this drunk in a long time.

  Tom’s burgers and the food everyone brought to share were delish. I was stuffed and was nursing my wine. We had finished eating a while ago and were sitting around drinking and reminiscing.

  “You remember the time we snuck into the pool and went skinny dipping?” Mike asked.

  Gina nodded. “Do I ever. I cut my leg climbing over the chain linked fence.”

  “And I had to help you over because the guys were already buck ass naked in the pool,” Cookie said.

  Gina took a sip of her hot tea. “We really did have a lot of fun.”

  “And if my girls turn out to be even half as bad as I was I’ll kill them,” Cookie said. “I’ll never tell them the things I did. Never!”

  “Chloe’s pretty level headed,” Sue said. “But I still worry.”

  “Is she still dating Rob?” Gina asked.

  “He’s a good kid,” Tom chimed in.

  “Yes, he is,” Sue said. “But good kids like Chloe and Rob can get into trouble, too.”

  “Have you talked to her about sex?” Kris asked.

  “Absolutely,” Sue said. “And I told her more than once when she thinks she’s ready for that kind of relationship to let me know and I’d take her to get birth control. The last thing I want is Chloe to get pregnant.”

  Kris pushed back her chair. “Be right back. My bladder is about to burst.”

  A couple of minutes later, Jeremy followed. I could tell by the way he staggered he was drunk.

  I pushed out my chair. “I better go check on him. He seems pretty lit.”

  When I walked into the kitchen I heard Jeremy. “Sixty days straight! That’s impressive.”

  “He told you about that?” Kris asked.

  “Yeah. And he also told me about all the fun you had with the chocolate.”

  I walked through the kitchen and around the corner just in time to see Kris push past Jeremy.

  Kris looked at me. “He’s wasted. Big time.”

  Jeremy fell against the wall. “Am not.”

  I looked at him sprawled out on the floor. “You’re a jerk, Jeremy. Find your own way home.”

  When I got back outside, Kris was yelling at Keith. “So you really told everyone about the blindfold and chocolate?”

  Keith ran his fingers through his hair. “We were just talking. It was guy talk.”

  “See if I ever let you find chocolate on me again!” Kris yelled.

  I grabbed my purse off the chair. “I’m leaving. And when you see Jeremy, tell him he can walk home!”

  Gina and Sue were out of their chairs and running toward me.

  “What happened?” Sue yelled.

  “Yeah. What went on in there?” Gina asked.

  I turned around. “Jeremy is drunk and was being a jerk. Right now I can’t stand to be around him another minute.”

  As I got in the car I saw Kris getting into her car. It looked like both of us were leaving—and without our husbands.

  Chapter 5

  Jeremy

  I was face down on the hallway floor when I felt hands around my arms.

  “Come on, big boy,” Mike said. “Let’s get you some coffee.”

  “Jer, you are such a fuckin’ dick,” Keith said. “I can’t believe you said something to Kris about the blindfold and chocolate. I told you not to say anything. Christ. That’s the last time I tell you anything!”

  I was sitting on a kitchen chair. The room was spinning and I swayed. “I just told her 60 days straight was impressive.”

  “Fuck,” Keith yelled. “You’ve got one big mouth!”

  Sue walked in from outside, carrying my bottle of whiskey. She held it up. “I didn’t realize how much Jeremy drank.”

  “God damn, Jer,” Mike said. “”You’re not in high school anymore. No wonder you’re so drunk.”

  “Do you think we should go after Kris and Tess?” Gina asked.

  Cookie pointed to Keith. “I think Keith should go home and talk to Kris. And I think we should give Tess some space. After what she told us tonight, I think she needs it.”

  “What’d she tell you?” I asked.

  I tried to speak normal, but my words slid out of my mouth like thick syrup and spread, one into the other. “Did she tell you she won’t have sex with me? Did she tell you she wants to get a job? Why in the fuck does she want to work? I don’t need other guys looking at what I have, trying to take it.”

  “At the rate you’re going, another guy wouldn’t have to try too hard,” Cookie said. “You’re pushing her away all on your own.”

  “Fuck you, Cookie.”

  “Double fuck you, Jeremy.”

  “Come on, Cookie,” Rick said. “Let’s take Keith home.”

  “Yeah,” Keith said, “because if I stay here any longer, Jeremy’s going to have my fist in his face.”

  “Sue,” Gina said. “Feel like sleeping at my house tonight? Who knows how long it’s going to take Tom and Mike to sober Jeremy u
p? And I’m tired.”

  “Sounds good. I’ll grab a bag.”

  “Thanks, Gina,” Tom said.

  “Are you going to be all right, babe?” Mike asked. “Sorry about this."

  “It’s not your fault,” Gina said.

  Tom sat a cup of coffee in front of Jeremy. “Drink it.”

  “I was just kidding around with Kris.”

  “I don’t think Kris thought it was funny,” Mike said. “You betrayed Keith’s trust by sharing something he told you in confidence.”

  “It’s Tess’s fault. I’m drinking because she hasn’t been putting out.”

  “Fuck you, Jeremy,” Gina said. “Sex isn’t something you take. It’s something you have with someone you love. Grow up or you’ll lose her for good.”

  I took a sip of the coffee. “Damn, it’s hot. Burned the roof of my mouth.”

  “I think you burned a lot more than the roof of your mouth tonight,” Sue said. “Gina, let’s go.”

  ***

  Tess

  What a dick! I was so mad at Jeremy I felt like I was going to explode. My anger was thickening like a black storm cloud and I knew it was only a matter of time before it rained havoc on my life.

  As soon as I got on the highway, I screamed. I figured no one would hear me and for some reason screaming always makes me feel better. I didn’t want to go home just yet. I figured I’d get some coffee and think.

  I got off the highway and pulled into a diner. I live on the west side of the city, and I figured there’d be less of a chance I’d run into someone I knew if I went to a diner on the east side. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be alone. I slid into a booth next to a large window. It was almost midnight and the diner was dead, except for a few truckers sitting at the counter nursing coffee.

  A middle-age waitress with eyebrows penciled in and a 60s beehive hairdo walked over. “Hey, Hon, what can I get you? Coffee? Sandwich? Pie?”